


I’m my own Grandpa

by HPFandom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Humor, M/M, Parody, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Sexual Content, Slash, Threesome, Voyeurism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-30
Updated: 2006-03-30
Packaged: 2018-10-01 09:09:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10185854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HPFandom_archivist/pseuds/HPFandom_archivist
Summary: Just a silly little fic inspired by a song. Because of a Law enacted by the MOM there have been many pairings that might otherwise have happened. See what occurs. One-shot.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from SeparatriX, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [HP Fandom](http://fanlore.org/wiki/HP_Fandom_\(archive\)), which was closed for health and financial reasons. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [HP Fandom collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/hpfandom/profile).

Title: I’m my own Grandpa

Disclaimer: I own nothing here, especially not the characters (*^*sniff), it all belongs to JK Rowling and her buddies. I’m just ‘borrowing’ them, they’ll be returned at the end of the story same as I got them, if a little played with. Neither do I own any rights to the song “I’m my own Grandpa” (not sure who does). 

Summary: Just a silly little fic inspired by a song. Because of a Law enacted by the MOM there have been many pairings that might otherwise have happened. See what occurs. One-shot.

 

Pairings: HP/DM/MW, GW/LM, and many others mentioned.

Warnings: Slash, M/M/F, M/F, Lemons/Limes, and downright silliness, Threesome. 

A/N: If you’re still reading enjoy^.^ (if not bye-bye*^*) I had to listen to the song several times to write this out (no access to internet at time). It was so silly, that when I heard it the idea for this fic popped into my head. I hope you enjoy. Please R/R/R. ^.^ I've posted this here now, I previously put it up on AFF. I've corrected any of my mistakes, hopefully all. I now know that the version that I listened to get the song for this fic was sung by Ray Stevens, but I have heard it elsewhere, in a movie I think. 

//song//  
“speech”  
‘thoughts’

Now on with the show.

 

//Many, many years ago,   
When I was 23//

Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter had been lovers since their 6th year at Hogwarts. However, when after the fall of Voldemort, when they thought they would be able to go off and sail into the sunset together; their romantic notions were dashed. Due to the large number of deaths that resulted from the war, which had lasted from the boys’ 6th year until 6 years later when Draco was 23 and Harry was 22, the Ministry decided that everyone, no matter their age, over the age of 17 of course, would have to marry someone of the opposite sex within the year and produce a child. This was an attempt by the ministry to reestablish the wizarding community, and so they also provided fertility potions that allowed any female regardless of their age, to be able to conceive quickly. 

Anyone not married by the end of the year would be paired with someone of the Ministry’s, or their representative’s, choosing. All prisoners were released to participate (those still in possession of their sanity, of course). Lucius Malfoy being one such person, unfortunately for him his wife Narcissa had been killed and had killed her sister Bellatrix after she had tried to kill Draco for making Voldemort angry for some reason or another.

One of the many loses of the war had sadly been Arthur Weasley, which unfortunately left Mrs. Weasley subject to the law also, as were most of her many children. She had tried to get an exemption because she already had so many children who were all still very much alive, but no she was told everyone was affected. Bill was already married to Fleur and Ron and Hermione had married a year after Bill and Fleur, but Charlie, the twins, Percy and Ginny were all single with no prospects in sight.

The only people exempt were those already married with at least one child already, these couples were given a cash incentive though to have more children. Also, because of special circumstances, i.e. after much protests, the Ministry even allowed polygamous marriages, but in these all combinations within of male/female would have to produce a child, but they would have an extended time limit, this also allowed a married couple to bring in someone else who couldn’t find a mate. This had Harry and Draco excited, because now all they had to do was find a witch willing to marry them both. But who?

Molly Weasley started arranging marriages for her children because she didn’t trust the Ministry to get it right. While she was busy looking for her own children, she also worked with others from the Order of the Phoenix to get them matches. Soon word spread and witches and wizards from all over were coming to her to set them up, she was quite good at it to. This of course made it easier for her to find matches for her own children. She found matches for all her sons including the little bastard Percy, by looking at old schoolmates of theirs, and the same went for many of their friends. Percy had been matched with Susan Bones. The twins made a foursome with Katie Bell and Angelina Johnson. Charlie had been added to Remus’s and Tonk’s marriage, who were more then happy to add him to their family. She had even set up Luna Lovegood and Neville Longbottom, who had combined their names, Lovegoodlongbottom, and also Minerva McGonagall and Severus Snape, and many others.

She was then visited by Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy, who were looking for someone to marry them both and would accept their relationship with each other. She went over all her left over unattached females with them, but all were rejected, even her own daughter Ginny. But that had been understandable, because of Ginny and Harry’s past relationship, at the end of which they had decided that though they loved each other it was a familial love and not a loverly love. 

 

//I was married to a widow,   
Who was pretty as can be//

 

After several months of searching, Draco pointed out, “Molly dear, unless I’m mistaken the law applies to you as well, and you’re not with anyone. What about YOU for us?”

They then discussed it a bit longer and decided it was the best match for them all. Molly, while older then them was still fit and very pretty besides and accepted them for who they were. Also she was willing to have two more children. It seemed she and Arthur had always wanted to have more but couldn’t because the twins, during her pregnancy with Ginny, had played a prank on their father that had left him sterile. 

 

//This widow had a grown-up daughter,   
Who had hair of red//

 

The three got married the next day with Ginny as their witness because she now helped her mother make matches. Afterwards she greeted them with hugs because they were her new ‘Dads’. She led the way out of the ministry with her long red hair flowing behind her to go meet the rest of the family. 

A month later, Lucius Malfoy approached his daughter-in-law’s office at the ministry with trepidation. There was only a month until the deadline, and he would prefer not to be matched with an imbecile by the ministry. 

Molly still had been unable to find a suitable match for Ginny, who had been helping her find matches for others, while on the lookout for a match for herself. She was a very beautiful young woman with gorgeous long red hair. Molly now had an office at the Ministry of Magic, where people seeking matches could come for help. The Ministry had decided that it would need someone with experience and competence to make the matches after the deadline and so at that point her position would be official as the Matchmaker for MOM. 

Ginny acted as her Secretary, so she was the first to see Lucius Malfoy enter the office. He looked a lot like her stepfather, Draco, except slightly hotter. ‘Wow, I wouldn’t mind a piece of that ass...Ginerva Weasley MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER. You’re here to work, not goggle at men.’ ‘Except that’s exactly what I’m here for.’ “Mr. Malfoy, how may I help you?” She said pleasantly, not stuttering at all over her tongue.

“Do I know you? Never mind. I’m here to see Mrs.…Umm... Molly.” Lucius faltered a little. “I was hoping to speak to her regarding a match.”

“For yourself, sir?”

“Yes, of course.” Followed by a barely audible mutter, “Damnable law.” 

Her face lit up, “Well let me go get Molly for you.” She walked to a door and knocked, and then pushed the door open, “Molly, a Mr. Malfoy is here for you, and not the one you’re married to. He’s looking for a match.” She said.

“I’ll be right out, can you put together a file for him, while I finish up with Miss Parkinson and Mr. Zabini. Close the door on your way out.”

“Ok, Mr. Malfoy,..”

“Lucius, please.” ‘I wonder if she’s attached’ “may I ask if you yourself are attached yet. I mean, if you had been matched you could tell me what the process is like?”

‘Nice save there Lucius. Maybe we’ve both found our match.’ “Well, no I’m not. I just haven’t found the guy that’s right for me, but I’m still looking. Well while we fill out this form, I’ll answer your questions.” And so for the next hour they flirted and filled out the questionnaire, not even noticing when Molly led the young couple across the hall to be married, or when she came back and went back to her office. ‘This is certainly interesting. I wonder what Harry and Draco will think?’ She firecalled them, interrupting pretty intense snogging session between the two, she watched her young loves for a while, but when they started to take their clothes off she cleared her throat, causing them both to jump, “Were you guys getting started without me?” She came through the fire then and wiped away the soot. They both pulled her with them onto the bed and took turns kissing her. 

“What are you doing home so early, Molly. We thought you were going to be gone all day.”

“Well it’s slow today. I only had one appointment and it’s already settled. We did have one walk-in though,” Molly said as two pair of hands removed her robes and clothing. Her hands were also moving all over their bodies, helping them remove their clothing. “It was your father, Draco. Ginny is talking to him right now. I think she might be interested.”

“That’s good.” Then the three were silent as they shared a three-way kiss. By this time all three were naked. Molly helped Harry prepare Draco for his entry while Draco performed cunilingus on her, and then once Draco was ready he moved over Molly and entered her. After several thrusts, he stilled, and they both looked at Harry over his shoulder, “Come on Harry” “I was just enjoying the show” “Well, stop watching and participate.” Molly grabbed the tube of lube and spared some over Harry’s cock after popping it in her mouth for a quick suck. Then she threw the tube away and grabbed Draco’s arse cheeks spreading them for Harry and pushing Draco deeper into herself. Harry soon entered Draco, pushing him further into Molly, biting Draco’s back while Molly bit his front, and then they synchronized their movements and after a while all three came powerfully. They all collapsed together. After a few minutes of rest they were ready again. This time Draco lay on the bed flat on his back, and after some preparation pushed into Molly form behind and pulled her back against himself so that Harry could push in from the front. This time a slower pace was set, and afterwards they all cuddled together in the middle of the bed. “I’ve got to tell you two. It’s amazing when you’re both inside of me. Heck, just watching you two go at it is amazing. I’m glad you let me be a part of it. I love you both so much.” “We love you too, Molly.”

The napped for a while, before dressing and flooing to Molly’s Office. 

 

//My father fell in love with her,   
And soon they too were wed.   
This made my dad my son-in-law,   
And really changed my life.   
Now my daughter was my Mother,  
‘Cause she was my father’s wife //

 

When they came out of Molly’s office, it was to find that Lucius had Ginny bent over the desk with his hand up her skirt.

“Humph,” When that didn’t do anything, Draco yelled in his deepest scariest voice, “GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY DAUGHTER.” His spice (plural of spouse) snickered behind him. 

This caused the couple to fall to the floor in a very undignified way. Lucius stared up at his son in shock. His brain a little scrambled, so that he actually said out loud, “Your daughter?”

Draco was laughing now at the sight of his once dignified father lying on the ground, echoing him. “Yes, the girl you were just snogging. Ginny Weasley, my stepdaughter.”

“Oh.” Was all Lucius could say, for his brain no longer functioned seeing as how there wasn’t any blood there anymore.

Ginny finally recovered enough from her own laughing spell to say, “Its okay, we’re married. As of ten minutes ago. So I’m now Ginny Malfoy.”

They then left a message at the front desk of the ministry to say that they would be out the rest of the day. Then they went home to celebrate, where Molly announced that she was pregnant. 

 

//And to complicate the matter,  
Even though it brought me joy,  
I soon became the father,  
Of a bouncing baby boy//

 

Eight months later, Molly gave birth to twins, a boy and a girl. One had blonde hair like his father and blue eyes like his mother, while the other had red hair and green eyes like her daddy. Everyone was overjoyed.

 

// My little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad,  
And so became my uncle,  
Though, it made me very sad,  
For if he were my uncle,  
Then, that also made him brother,  
Of the widow’s grown-up daughter,  
Who was of course my Step-mother//

 

On the twins first birthday, Molly announced she was pregnant again, and Ginny announced she was pregnant for the first time. There were many such announcements from the whole wizarding community as well in their big extended family. The whole family had laughed at the relationship between Draco and Ginny, it was so convoluted, and was soon to be more so. 

 

//My father’s wife,  
Then had a son,  
Who kept them on the run//

Ginny gave birth to a son, while Molly had two girls this time, one looked like her older brother with blonde hair and blue eyes, and the other had black hair and blue eyes. Molly announced this was it for her, she had presented both of her husbands with 2 children each. Lucius was ecstatic about his son, who looked just like his father and brother with platinum blonde hair and silvery blue eyes. 

 

// And he became my grandchild,  
For he was my daughter’s son.  
My wife is now my mother’s mother,  
And it makes me blue,  
Because, although she is my wife,  
She is my grandmother, too//

 

Molly’s four youngest children and her grandson proved to be the greatest hellraisers of the bunch of children born that year. Hogwarts would never be the same.

 

// Now if my wife is my grandmother,  
Then, I’m her grandchild,  
And every time I think of it,  
It nearly drives me wild.  
Because, now I have become the strangest case you ever saw,  
As, husband of my grandmother,  
I’m my own grandpa. //

After many years of living together, and raising their four children to adulthood, the three adults had the house to themselves. They were very content, and were now able to have sex anywhere in the house without having to worry about someone just popping in. At least they shouldn’t. It happened again just that morning. Molly was making breakfast in the kitchen, while Harry and Draco pounded together on the table, with the occasional groping from Molly. 

Ginny’s oldest son walked in. “Hey grandma, grandpa, granddad, whatcha doing...” only to stop at the sight before him. The two men had finished their playing and now sat on the table in front of Molly covered in breakfast food. She was eating off of them and they were eating off of each other. With a swish of her wand, molly put all the food on plates and dressed her two husbands.

“What are you doing here, Lucius, I know your parent’s have taught you manners? Don’t you know to knock?”

“Well yeah, but I found that Muggle record that Granddad wanted for Grandpa” He said pointing at Harry.

“What record would that be?” Draco asked.

Harry jumped up, “Let me talk to the boy.” He led him out of the kitchen, “Now Lucius, I know that was on purpose, but I won’t say anything if you don’t. Not to anyone in the family. Now did you listen to it?”

“Yeah, you’re right it does describe grandpa perfectly. So are you going to give it to him for Christmas?” Lucius II had always found it funny that he and his brothers called their oldest brother grandpa, and that his children with Grandma Molly were both their aunts and uncle, and their nieces and nephew.

“No you are, since you are his brother. Now ask your Aunt Hermione for help making a CD of Christmas songs and put that song on there last and make sure she understands not to say a word. Got it, good. Oh, make sure no one knows, this is between you, me and Hermione, until Christmas.” 

“Ok Granddad. Until Christmas when the whole family is here.”

 

//Oh, I’m my own grandpa.  
I’m my own grandpa.  
It sounds funny I know,  
But it really is so.  
I’m my own grandpa//

 

It was Christmas time, and the burrow which had been expanded over the years was packed to the gills with the extended Weasley Family. There were each of the Weasley Children and their families, close family friends such as the Lovegoodlongbottoms, the Snape-McGonagall family, and of course Molly and her two husbands and their children.

As they all sat around the long extended table, one boy, almost man avoided the table eating away from the table. When asked Lucius Malfoy II answered he was not allowed to tell so shove off. This caused his grandparents to laugh, making many wonder if they wanted to eat at the table, because they had all had the experience of walking in on the three over the years.

There had been a Christmas CD playing in the background while they ate when suddenly Lucius Malfoy II’s voice interrupted them, “Can we please have your attention” Followed by Hermione and Harry’s voices, “This song is dedicated to our Favorite Grandpa in the whole world, Draco Malfoy.”

The song followed and everyone laughed because Draco had expressed quite often that he could be said to be his own grandfather, and it was entirely all his father’s and Ginny’s fault. 

“Many, many years ago,   
When I was 23,  
I was married to a widow,   
Who was pretty as can be,  
This widow had a grown-up daughter,   
Who had hair of red,  
My father fell in love with her,   
And soon they too were wed.   
This made my dad my son-in-law,  
And really changed my life.   
Now my daughter was my Mother,  
‘Cause she was my father’s wife,..”

 

The End

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

A/N: Now if you have enjoyed this silly little songfic REVIEW.

Challenge: Also if your bored, Take a pairing mentioned in this fic and create your own, just tell me in a review if you do.


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